Scary: Here I Am

Things to know about me... I am a realist, some may say pessimist but I disagree. I weigh 238lbs, I am a poor speller (as you will see - I almost always forget to spell check and I write "to" instead of "too" all the time), I aspire to be many different things (wedding planner, life coach, author, vegetarian caterer, match maker etc.), In real lige I am a social worker/stay at home mom for the next couple years, I have two kids (twin 2 year olds), a great husband and I can be very sarcastic and blunt. Now on with the post...

So I have been in the process of moving (a compulsion that my husband and I have every 2 years or so)... and I have not had easy online access - hence my late post. I am hoping that by blogging here I will be inspired to take a look at myself, my choices and where I am headed and make a change.

Ah.. change... funny word. In almost ALL other areas of my life I embrace change and can make a decision and make it happen almost instantly... but not weight loss. Last year I came to the conclusion that I probably will never be the "results not typical" model on any weight loss add because - my results are ALWAYS typical. This is the one area of my life that I cannot seem to get under control. The worst part about it is that now that I am a mother - I actually care. I care about passing on my bad habits to my kids. I care about being afraid to horse back ride or skate with them (because I may break a bone in my 238lb frame). I care that my husband - who eats whatever I feed him wants to have a hot bod... and I may be keeping him back. For the first time I care and I still have not conquered the problem.

I just make such poor weight loss decisions... for example - we are moving to a new house and my biggest joy is now the kids can play outside without me putting out so much effort. I have dreams about sitting on the couch watching them on their swing set... need I say more? When we were deciding what items to to move vs. get rid of I tried to barter my EFX away to my hair dresser to get my hair done for free. Should I not be trying to create an exercise room in my spacious new home? Ah... you see what I mean. Poor choices.

If by my birthday this year (I'll be 28) I have not made any progress - then I will be looking in to gastric bypass surgery... I am going to give it my all (which so far has not been much) for the next several months and then if nothing.. I am going to accept defeat and seek success in another way. I CANNOT AND WILL NOT be this size when I turn 30... I will get diabetes and I may get heart disease if nothing changes - so if will power does not kick in surgery will have to. Now don't get me wrong. I don't want the surgery and I know the risks but I also don't want to die hoping that I would eventually lose weight... and I don't want the latter much more than the former.

So what is the plan??? I don't know. I am still trying to build up the interest and focus to even create yet another plan. I have basically tried every diet plan out there with Sporty and was committed to Weight Watchers for a while but with my twin toddlers and my husband's wacky work schedule it has been hard to keep up. I have been fat all my life... seriously but I only noticed and began to care about 3 years ago. I started to work at a hospital and came face to face with the medical realities of being fat and aging... not pretty. I had some really supportive nurse friends that pushed me to make change and I did. I lost about 40lbs that year. I have kept about 30 of them off (give or take 5 any given week) and most of my eating habits have stayed altered- so I know that I can do it. However because of the amount of weight I need to lose - I need to do much more. Ever since then it has been a roller coaster of dieting... I have always been comfortable in my skin, in my minds eye I look much slimmer than I am so I am comfortable with my body image... My only motivation is health (which is big to me) so I need a plan. Quickly...

I'll think about it and let you know what I come up with...